Cancer, my Sacred Teacher.

My teacher arrived in March 2017 in the form of a cluster of abnormal DNA/malignant ductal carcinoma in my right breast. I am grateful to all my teachers, healers, and my own Soul, who awakened me to my healing path - for my own healing, and as an initiation to my path as a healer, through this portal.

Whether it is cancer, illness, hardship, uncertainty — having a narrative in place to give meaning to the struggle can make all the difference in how we experience life. When I received my Dx, my first response was shock, then a splash of denial/disbelief, then outright anger. Looking back now, I was most deeply angry with myself, but blamed it on one of my sacred teachers/healers - who actually saw my tumor through his remote way of connecting/seeing a) without even seeing/touching me b) knew where it was exactly c) knew how big it was d) said he would be able to shrink if not completely clear it — this information came through him in a session with my partner, Rako. It wasn’t even my session. My beloved, Rako, had to hold that heavy information — discerning and deciding whether or not to believe it, whether or not to tell me, when to tell me and how.

Wild, right? It was almost my birthday. He had booked us tickets for a night out - a Prom for Adults in downtown Sacramento, because I’d never been to prom in high school. He let me have a Happy Birthday, and told me shortly thereafter. I had my own session with our teacher/healer, in which is confirmed/repeated what he’d told to Rako. He urged me to get the mammogram, and the biopsy, even though he felt sure he could do something about it (he has before, with people we know).

So I went through the things. The boob squish, the giant needle in the boob, the whole torture gauntlet of tests. When I got the call from the nurse, who confirmed the tumor was malignant - shock, disbelief, anger…. WTF???? What happened to my “healing???” I suddenly doubted all the efficacy of the work he’d done before.
And of course I confronted him. He checked in with his way of knowing, who told him - the healing was blocked by my own Soul - who wanted and planned for me to have this experience in this lifetime.

M**THAF*CKER WTF

What does one do with information like that?

For me, at first, I raged. I raged at my own Soul.
And she clapped back, hard. Through my tears of rage I felt a surge of words coming through my conscious awareness, like a letter being dictated to me — and rushed to write it all down… I’ll post/transcribe it another time but yes — this was not a mistake. It was a Soul Retrieval/Connection journey.

Eventually, I chose to accept that narrative frame as the one which felt the most generative, resourcing, agentic. I surrendered and every breath, action, movement, laugh, tear, wince, gesture - was infused with a new awareness of sacredness, preciousness.

Each treatment and medical appointment became a sacred ritual, invoking my ancestors, unseen allies and giving thanks for each and every person who treated me, or worked at the hospital and Cancer Center. As someone who had a deep distrust of overmedication and certain approaches of the western medical system, I made a choice - to look at the hospital as a Healing Temple, and in turn, each person who worked there - from the nurses, doctors, lab techs, maintenance and janitorial workers as agents of divine healing, for whom I was grateful.

Cancer helped me befriend the Uncertainty that I’d named my adversary for my entire life - by bringing me fully into each present moment in a way that no meditation or prayer ever could. Each moment felt more spacious and more precious in the face of the uncertain future. I softened. Things I experienced became sweeter, more poignant, more real. I allowed the smaller stresses to fade into the distance, even the traumas I carried for a lifetime - as I drew all my scattered and unfocused life force to galvanize within myself and focus it on the one job that felt most important - my own healing and survival.

Cancer helped me to ask for what I want with precision, specificity and without apology. Most of the people in my life validated that I deserved to receive all the help and support I needed - and I suppose I never truly believed that was true - my hyper-independent survival strategies - the response to my trauma — couldn’t believe that, and the shame, self-judgment and deep mistrust of my caregivers would kick in to remind me how much I could never trust anyone to give me what I really needed - and that I was better off managing my own needs to the best of my capacity. If I’m honest, I still struggle to believe that at times - and I’ve had to quell that shame gremlin not with an assertion of my worth and value. but rather with this rationalization: “People want to help because you drew the short straw and got cancer and they don’t have to go through that journey because you’re the statistic, not them. So let them help you because you got it instead of them.” It’s a messed up rationale. But it was the access point that allowed me to start receiving….and asking for exactly what I wanted. And feeling 1000% guilt-free in finally advocating for my limits - even non-physical limits around my energy, my attention, the things I allowed to stress me out, etc.

It made me realize all the places where I had a choice to exercise a limit about things I didn’t want to do/places or events I didn’t want to attend/obligations or situations I was enduring or allowed to persist - but I hadn’t.exercised that choice. My passion for education around limits, desires, noticing where I’ve gone along with something I didn’t want, asking for what I want….. suddenly had a very specific situation in which to be practice AND also now a license/rationalization from not just the Cancer “C” card - but my Consent “C” card.

It taught me to receive. And I had to be laid low, to learn to receive. So many circumstances in my life shaped me to Give, to overgive, to deplete myself, to be exhausted. I wore it like a badge that I’d flash in people’s faces to shame them —- “LOOK AT HOW MANY THINGS I DO! WHAT ABOUT YOU?” As if self-exploitation was a fucking virtue. As if running on fumes, eating shit, sucking it up and powering past my own limits deserved a prize…..

Cancer is still teaching me. And hopefully she doesn’t have to return to nest within my body in order for me to learn again. Certainly, it was one of the greatest choices and practices of reclaiming agency, learning to receive (ask for what I want), notice and communicate my limits (and have them respected) and living more fully in a present moment where I was more aware of my choices available and especially the choice to seek JOY.

Someday I’ll distill the Medicine fully. But for now I share what I can in words and pictures. And if ever you or someone you care about should need a guide to meaning make and metabolize through this Sacred Journey of your own, I am here for it.